Summer Special.

I was hired yesterday. For a job. You know, one of those things normal people go to from 9-to-5 Monday through Friday. It's been a long-time coming. So, the most logical thing for me to do with my afternoon was celebrate. I dodged the rain to meet friends at a local bar, and settled into a chair to wait. I'm always the first one anywhere.

I picked up one of Atlanta's fabulous alternative weekly newspapers for a quick read to past the time. And there it was, on Page 3.

"LipoSelection Summer Special."

The ad featured a bikini-clad woman, smiling gaily while she sat on the edge of some pool outside some penthouse in downtown Atlanta. Her lips had been obviously pumped full of collagen, and her breasts were far from real. Hell, she may have even had a face lift, and couldn't have been older than 35.

• LASER HAIR REMOVAL $99 (per month/per area)
• SMART LIPO $999 (first area)
• BOTOX $9.99 per unit (up to 20 units)
• RESTYLANE/JUVEDERM $449
• SKIN RESURFACING/REJUVENATION $99 (first treatment)

Let's set aside I know about half of what those "treatments" actually are. It's what came next that really got me thinking.

FREE IMAGE CONSULTATION
"Get Ready for Summer"

Are these bitches serious? Do they actually think they'll 1) Feel better about themselves by getting some bald, fat guy to nip, tuck and pump their body full of puffiness, 2) Get a man who's genuinely impressed with their nips, tucks and puffiness or 3) Get a decent man who looks beyond their nips, tucks and puffiness?

Cliche, I know. But, if you can guess, I was appalled. I'm used to seeing fake boobs. And in fact, know quite a few girls from high school who received them as presents from their parents upon graduation. Yes, from their parents. And yes, graduation from high school.

Most everyone gets some sort of pleasure or sense of awe from seeing a nice rack. But, well, I guess I never put two and two together as far as the cost of everything else. A good pair of jugs will run you about $5,000. Everyone knows that. But restylane, whatever the hell that is, at $449?? Who the hell has money to do that? And if they do, what the hell would possess them to spend money on that?

And what exactly is "smart" lipo? Is there a dumb lipo? What's the difference? Is one more expensive than the other? I suspect, as I'm sure many people do, that puffy-lipped model in the ad was probably abused as a child -- either mentally or physically or both -- or suffers from ridiculously low self-esteem (unnecessarily) or is too dumb to move, which has all morphed her into some sort of attention whore.

I think I'll stick to my radically shrinking breasts, my pain-in-the-ass legs that need shaving every other day, my wrinkles and my crinkly forehead. Oh yeah, and my name that doesn't end in a "Y" sound. (For some reason it always seems like women with gigantic boobs who are open to plastic surgery always have names like Katie, Mandy, Lindsey, Candy, Hayley or Jenny. No offense to people who have those names.)

The good news is that Liposelection, according to the ad, "Hablamos Espanol!"

YAY! Self-detriment isn't only open to ridiculously rich white women! We can all relax now, people. Body morphication is Equal Opportunity. Rest easy.