No One Wants to Kiss an Ashtray.

I'm officially eight days into a new, non-smoking lifestyle. And so far, it's not fun. Definitely not as bad as it was on Day 4 though. God, I wanted to kill someone that day. Anyone. I think I was even unnecessarily mean to the Papa John's guy.

Sorry, Papa John's guy. I didn't mean it. I just wanted my delicious sausage-and-mushroom delight.

My biggest problem is the oral fixation. ... No, seriously. Stop laughing.

I can't figure out what to do with my hands. When I'm driving. When I take Penny outside. After a good, hearty meal. With my Strongbow. So far, I've just taken to fidgeting and looking like I have some sort of a problem. It's obvious to others I'm coming off a drug. That, and the red squares all over my body leftover from where the patch made its home for a day kind of give it away. They probably think I'm a crackhead or something.

Anyway, with all this extra time on my hands, I've been thinking a lot about the theory of smoking. Why people start. And different reasons people come up with to get others to quit. I've never heard a good reason -- from anyone. So, I'm determined not to preach. It's a personal choice. Period.

I will tell you what I won't say to people. Even as a "former" smoker, I want to punch someone in the face when I hear people say things like:

"You should quit because ..."

• No one wants to kiss an ashtray.
• You smell.
• It turns your teeth and nails yellow.
• It looks trashy.
• You're too pretty to smoke.
• You could get cancer!
• You could die!
• Food tastes better when you don't smoke.
• Your clothes stink.
• Look at that. Do you want to look like that old hag?
• You'll have a smoker's voice by the time you're 50.
• I never smoked.
• You could save so much money.
  
• You could die!

Seriously. Do people think smokers are mentally challenged or something? Everyone knows that shit. It's called addiction, you loser. Do you actually think I -- or anyone -- would choose to get cancer and die? Or spend $5 almost every day to buy a pack?

Do yourself a favor and shut the hell up. I've heard every reason you've heard to stop smoking. I just chose to ignore them for awhile. Or not deal with them, whichever you prefer. Save your breath. Turn your attention to something else, like for example, your fat ass. Or your sucky ass life. Or how you haven't gotten off your couch for the past year to do something physical.

Whoa. I have no idea where that came from. Is this patch still working? No, really. I promise, today is not as bad as Day 4. I think.