Do They Speak English There?

Here are a few things everyone should know about Guam. This list has been derived from questions people from the States have asked me, and things people who live here say/think/believe.

• Yes, they speak English on Guam. Guam is, by definition, a U.S. territory, so it would make sense.
  
• We also have running water, power, toilets, buildings, roads (although many are ridden with potholes -- much like Midtown Atlanta), phones and even computers!
  
• People from Guam think they are part of the U.S. Implying otherwise may lead to a Chamorro beat down -- or at least a tongue lashing. Stupid Haole.
  
• Native people of Guam are Chamorro (which serves as both a singular and plural pronoun). Other people who live on Guam are called Guamanians.
  
• Street signs/names are rare, which is why, even on official documents, you are asked to draw a map to your house. I'm not kidding.
• Barbecues are acceptable at 2 p.m. ... on week days. Do these people work?
• The speed limit on Guam rarely exceeds 35 mph. People usually drive below that, and they like to box you in so you can't pass (Chamorro Road Block).
  
• Old ass trucks that go off road even though they're not supposed to are called "Guam bombs."
  
• Directions don't exist. Finding an office/house/bar is usually like doing a Calculus problem.
• Every meal includes red rice and kelaguen -- even breakfast.
  
• If you want a massage, go to a spa. If you want a blow job, go to a massage parlor.
• There's no such thing as a free show. Buy me drinky.
• Offices are closed on Catholic holidays.
• Each year, every village celebrates its respective patron saint with a fiesta. It is the only time of year cockfights and poker are acceptable at religious gatherings.
• The K-Mart in Guam is the highest grossing K-Mart in the world. Maybe because Japanese tourists take buses there.
  
• Food is expensive -- especially cheese and milk, which goes for about $4.50 for a half gallon. Power is worse. A typical bill is $500 a month.
  
• If you are in Guam, you are considered "on island." Anywhere else, you're "off island."
• For vacations, people go to Palau, Saipan, the Philippines or Japan. And that is awesome.
• I need a diving certification. Pronto.
• Nothing is on normal time. Everything is on island time. Deal.
  
• Living here means you get used to seeing Japanese tourists taking pictures with obscure objects (ie: hamburgers, cast iron caribou, palm trees, signs). They are usually, if not always, throwing a peace sign. Hello, Miley Cyrus.
• Don't even think about Victoria's Secret, Express, J.Crew, Red Lobster, Melting Pot, Whole Foods, Papa John's or Carraba's. The nearest one is 7,500 miles away.
  
• If ordering online, expect to wait 2-3 weeks. If they deliver here at all.
• Finadetti. Gotta have it!
• Assan Black Tea. It's mysteriously addicting.
• Mr. Coffee (iced). Ditto.
• Everything -- including price, deadlines, speed limits, loan requirements and any sort of regulations -- is negotiable.
• Yona Rules!
• Malafunction is the source for all things Guam. I-94!!
• Typhoons are common. As are earthquakes. Get used to it.
• It rains every day.
  
• Get used to frizzy hair. It happens.
• One word. Karaoke!!
• There is no sales tax. But every restaurant adds gratuity. Forget the 20% rule.
  

I will add to this as needed. If you have any questions, Google it.