Beyond.

I had a friend that used to say that a lot. That he was beyond. He's French, so I always thought it was just some phrase that had gotten lost in translation.

How are you doing?, you'd say.
Oh, I'm just beyond, his reply.

Sometimes he'd elaborate. Beyond this or beyond that. I never knew what that meant until now. Turns out I was right. It is something lost in translation - but not how you think.

Last night I rang in the New Year with a group of friends. We bar hopped, I saw a few people I hadn't seen in awhile, and no matter where we went, it never failed. I bet you're excited about getting your man back soon, huh?

Everywhere I went, someone asked me about him. Or brought it up when I'd look at my watch to check the time. Or the few times in the night that I phased out and seemed to just be staring into space.

Beyond.

That's all I could think. I'm so beyond excited. Beyond being happy. Beyond feeling, really. Love, right now, is just pain to me. There is joy, of course, but with every joy there's hurt. I can't physically share anything with him right now. I can't touch him. I can't be touched. I can't look in his eyes. Or explain to him with mine how horrible or beautiful my days are.

Being alone and in love is so beyond what anyone can ever know. Separation is inexplicable. It seems like sometimes I'm the only one that does know. The only person who knows how tragic this has been.

Right now, there is no counting down. It's beyond that. It's beyond watching the calendar or trying to figure out how many minutes have to pass before I can see him again. It's like being lost in space.

I just want him home. I want to feel like I'm not some zombie just going through the motions. I want to feel like my days are about more than just staying busy. I want to feel like everything I could ever want is within my grasp again. Not beyond my control.